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It’s that time again. Time for me to read through a new book of the Bible and document all of the interesting bits I manage to find. This time around, it’s the first book of Samuel. Let’s get started.

In this passage, the LORD decides to strike down the city of Gath with a plague of hemorrhoids.

1 Samuel 5:9
And it was so, that, after they had carried it about, the hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts.

Later, God decides to go all ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ on 50,070 men from Bethshemesh because they decided to look inside the Ark of the Covenant.

1 Samuel 6:19
And he smote the men of Bethshemesh, because they had looked into the ark of the LORD, even he smote of the people fifty thousand and threescore and ten men: and the people lamented, because the LORD had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter.

Saul and the Israelites have been fighting the Philistine army, and have managed to pull off a victory. For some reason, Saul orders his men not to eat any food until nightfall. If they do, they will be cursed and put to death. His son Jonathan somehow misses this bizarre command, and eats a bit of honeycomb, thus sealing his fate.

1 Samuel 14:24-28
And the men of Israel were distressed that day: for Saul had adjured the people, saying, Cursed be the man that eateth any food until evening, that I may be avenged on mine enemies. So none of the people tasted any food. And all they of the land came to a wood; and there was honey upon the ground. And when the people were come into the wood, behold, the honey dropped; but no man put his hand to his mouth: for the people feared the oath. But Jonathan heard not when his father charged the people with the oath: wherefore he put forth the end of the rod that was in his hand, and dipped it in an honeycomb, and put his hand to his mouth; and his eyes were enlightened. Then answered one of the people, and said, Thy father straitly charged the people with an oath, saying, Cursed be the man that eateth any food this day. And the people were faint.

Saul hears about Jonathan’s vile sin of eating honey, and decides that his son will have to be put to death. Fortunately, Saul’s people talk him out of it, so Jonathan is spared. I’m not really sure what the moral of this story is supposed to be.

1 Samuel 14:43-45
Then Saul said to Jonathan, Tell me what thou hast done. And Jonathan told him, and said, I did but taste a little honey with the end of the rod that was in mine hand, and, lo, I must die. And Saul answered, God do so and more also: for thou shalt surely die, Jonathan. And the people said unto Saul, Shall Jonathan die, who hath wrought this great salvation in Israel? God forbid: as the LORD liveth, there shall not one hair of his head fall to the ground; for he hath wrought with God this day. So the people rescued Jonathan, that he died not.

Here’s a nice little passage full of revenge and genocide against the ill-fated Amalekites. Not exactly the kind of behavior one would expect from an all-knowing, all-powerful, all-loving supernatural being…

1 Samuel 15:2-3
Thus saith the LORD of hosts, I remember that which Amalek did to Israel, how he laid wait for him in the way, when he came up from Egypt. Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.

This passage almost defies belief. David wants to marry Saul’s daughter, Michal. Saul decides to use the opportunity to send David off on a crazy dowry-gathering suicide mission. The dowry? Nothing less than the foreskins of 100 slaughtered Philistines. David, determined to make a good first impression on his potential father-in-law, goes off and kills 200 Philistines and brings each and every foreskin back to Saul. Saul, who apparently knows a Philistine foreskin when he sees one, is so impressed that he allows David and Michal to get married.

1 Samuel 18:25-27
And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king’s enemies. But Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king’s son in law: and the days were not expired. Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king’s son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.

Hey, how about some more Biblical genocide? After all, it’s been a whole twelve chapters since the last desert civilization was laid to waste.

1 Samuel 27:8-9
And David and his men went up, and invaded the Geshurites, and the Gezrites, and the Amalekites: for those nations were of old the inhabitants of the land, as thou goest to Shur, even unto the land of Egypt. And David smote the land, and left neither man nor woman alive, and took away the sheep, and the oxen, and the asses, and the camels, and the apparel, and returned, and came to Achish.

That about does it for 1 Samuel. Come back soon to learn all about this summer’s most highly-anticipated sequel, 2 Samuel!