Magic Rocks For The Working Man
It’s no secret that a lot of things tend to fall by the wayside in the hectic hustle and bustle of modern life. At some point we all forget to take the time out and enjoy the little things that make life so worth living. And let me tell you, I’m just as guilty as the next guy. Personally, there’s nothing I enjoy more at the end of the day than cracking an ice cold beer, grabbing my favorite Orgonite Energy Pyramid, and exchanging quantized energy vibrations with the ancient Lunarians trapped in the Earth’s crust.
Luckily, the (figurative) magic of The Internet has made it that much easier to tap into the (literal) magic of Orgonite. Just fire up your web browser, head over to the Google, find a vendor, and BAM! Magic rocks delivered right to your doorstep! After all, who has the time to fill muffin pans with fiberglass resin, metal shavings, and quartz crystals? If I find myself with some free time, I want to be able to de-energize my negative auras and clear up this pesky gonorrhea right away! Luckily, orgonite does precisely that! In fact, this simple substance can apparently fix any negative thing that can ever happen to you ever!
“The natives call it orgonite! They say it will clean my liver and balance my checkbook!”
By now, you’re probably thinking, “Please tell me that there is a sketchy website that will take my credit card number in exchange for one of these miraculous hunks of plastic! Never mind the fact that I have no idea how it works!”
Oh I see, it balances my orgone energy using a matrix. Sounds pretty god damned scientific to me! Besides, the last thing I want is to have negative energy circulating through my blood vessels system of channels!
Oooooh, a StarGate! Gots to have one. I mean, I’m not sure what it has to do with either stars or gates, but I mean it’s not like people can just lie about things they sell on the internet, right? And at the low, low price of $45, this is a straight-up steal. The first StarGate I ever bought was gas powered and set me back $400. And don’t even think about trying to charge plants with that thing…
This one is no joke, and is a deal at $6.50. Believe me, I should know. Sideband scalar waves killed my parents, ruined my credit, and gave me chronic nasal diarrhea.
“The Orgonite Cellphone Chip also stops heartburn! GET IT??”
Ok, so the running total is $51.50. That gets us a magic ring and a hunchback cellphone mod. I just need one more thing to round out this purchase…
Nothing says bargain like a $35 magic alien energy drink coaster. I’m quite relieved to see that they decided not to use aluminum in their water-charging orgonite. It’s a well-known fact that the plant operators at Chernobyl tried to make water-charging orgonite using aluminum, despite countless warnings and safety regulations. I don’t think I need to remind you of the outcome of that fateful decision.
Grand total for eternal salvation: $86.50.
